The Vintage Challenge: Worst Films Since You Were Born

My friend Jeremy and I play these really ridiculous movie ranking games mostly to stay connected since we live 2,000 miles from each other. The most recent challenge proposed by me was list the worst movie from every year since you were born. Only caveat was that they had to be movies you’ve seen and remember well enough to confidently say they were the worst film of that year. Because I haven’t watched a movie for my weekly The Vintage Revisits, you instead get some insight on the disappointing cinema I’ve subjected myself to in my 24 years on this earth.

1991: Sleeping with the Enemy

91

This movie is so boring and generic. It’s Julia Roberts scared for 90 minutes.

1992: Encino Man

92

So many choices of Pauly Shore movies for this list. Congrats, Encino Man.

1993: Super Mario Bros

93

First of many bad movies I watched for a podcast. How Did This Get Made introduced me to this very hot mess of a movie. Goomba still haunts me.

1994: It’s Pat

94

To be honest, I only saw half of Pat but surprisingly I liked most of the movies I’ve seen from ’94. Way to go year.

1995: Theodore Rex

95

Another HDTGM pick. This movie manages to make dinosaurs lame.

1996: Mr Wrong

96

I watched this after seeing Finding Nemo because I wanted more Ellen. Should have stopped with Ed TV.

1997: Speed 2: Cruise Control

97

I’ve still never seen the original Speed but as a kid I was allowed to see all of Sandra Bullock’s PG-13 movies.

1998: Phantoms

98

Peter O’Toole’s career is not as prestigious as you would think though I’ll take Phantoms over Creator any day.

1999: The Haunting

99

CGI ruined horror movies.

2000: Mission Impossible: 2

00

The lack of chemistry between Cruise and Thandie Newton makes for the most cringe worthy kissing.

2001: On the Line

01

HDTGM. Watched this in Ghana while I had food poisoning from plantains. I’ve forgiven the plantains but not the South African cable station that played this movie.

2002: The Master of Disguise

02

I don’t like that I still remember lines from this movie that I saw once when I was 11. Fuck you marketing.

2003: From Justin to Kelly

03

Justin was from Pennsylvania! That was a big deal in Harrisburg.

2004: Without a Paddle

04

I had my mom take me to see this in theaters. I’ll be amazed if I’m still in the will.

2005: The Ring 2

05

CGI DEER!

2006: Pulse

06

This movie’s redemption comes from Kristen Bell getting called out for it in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Glad she could take the joke.

2007: The Invasion

07

I know the body snatchers are supposed to act lifeless but that doesn’t mean the movie has to be.

2008: Superhero Movie

08

You see the poster, I knew what I was getting into. All the egg is on my face.

2009: The Ugly Truth

09

Both Heigl and Butler look like they’re having a terrible time.

2010: Shrek Forever After

10

There was nothing in theaters and I wish I had just stayed home.

2011: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

11.jpg

An overblown money pit with a character we were all tired of.

2012: Battleship 

Battleship

Watch for The Flophouse. At least I enjoyed Rhianna’s reading of “Mahalo, motherfucker”.

2013: Movie 43

13

My biggest regret in life was seeing a midnight screening of this movie because my friend needed to kill time before a shoot. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

2014: Men, Women and Children 

14

The continued fall of Jason Reitman.

2015: 50 Shades of Grey

15

I love you Dakota Johnson but I never need to see your boobs again.

 

I’d like to think I’ll make better decision in future years. Watch classic films by Kurosawa Herzog but I’ve already seen Dirty Grandpa this year so looks like I’ll just keep the cycle going.

 

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